Past Regrets
by Toe-Separator
Summary: Instead of jumping from one person to another, the entity remained in John Sheppard. Episode tag (sort of) to Doppelganger! John must face his worst fears and relive some painful memories. McKay/Sheppard friendship in later chapters. NO SLASH.
1. The nightmare begins

**Disclaimer: I do not own neither Stargate Atlantis nor the characters displayed in it. Not making any profit out of this either.**

**Spoilers:** Everything up to Doppelganger is a fair game.

**Rated: **A very high T, will most likely change to M.

**Summary:** Instead of jumping from one person to another, the entity remained in John Sheppard. Episode tag to Doppelganger! John must face his worst fears and relive some painful memories.

**Warnings:** Some swear-words, each chapter will contain it's own warnings, please read them before proceding in to the story!

_A/N: So as mentioned in the summary, this is a Doppelganger-tag. Sort of. My own evil version of it (mohahahhaha!). I've also taken the liberty to change a few things about Sheppard's past. For instance, he doesn't have a brother, but otherwise everything is the way it has been portrayed in the show. This could be considered as an AU where Sheppard's childhood (and adulthood for that matter) is much darker. All in all (if this fic turns out the way I've planned), this will be very dark fic with heavy angst and a lot of shameless Shep-whump - both emotional and physical. I felt compelled to write this for I find evil!John very intriguing... Please let me know how you feel about the first chapter: hate it? Like it? Should I continue or quickly delete this and pretend it never existed? Leave a review and tell me your opinion! Constructive criticism and hints in evolving my writing skills are greatly appreciated! Unbeta'd, aka all mistakes are my own._

"I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted." Offering a slightly lop-sided grin one Lt. Colonel John Sheppard stepped out of the infirmary with Teyla on his side. Why did he have to touch that stupid crystal? The glowing alien fungus had been mesmerizing, but truth to be told, the pilot had no idea why the hell did touch that damn thing in the first place!?

"It's been a long day." _You got that right._

"Well, thanks for hanging out." And he meant it. John suppressed the urge to massage his temples to relieve the headache he could feel building up. From the corner of his eye John could see Teyla smile ever so slightly. Offering a warm smile of his own, John pats her back reassuringly.

"I'm fine. Get some sleep." And he was. Considering. Doing the idiotic thing he did back at the planet could've led into some serious trouble._ You are a proper genius Sheppard_. With a barely noticeable sigh Sheppard turned his back to Teyla. A hot shower and a good nights sleep was all he wanted at the moment.

"Good night, John." Watching the colonel wave his hand in acknowledgement he heard her Teyla also started heading towards her quarters.

John awoke with a gasp. Grasping his chest for a hand that was not there, he slowly became aware of his surroundings. He was in his quarters. Albeit on the hard floor (when had he gotten there?) than on his comfortable bed, but _definitely_ not back at Kolya's torture-chamber with the wraith literally sucking the life out of him.

Groaning John lifted himself in a sitting position. He felt shaky, sweaty and he could feel his heart racing. Damn that dream had been _vivid_. He had felt the gag covering his mouth, how hard it was to breath, the wicked grin on Kolya's smug face. The pain of the feeding process. Unconsciously rubbing his chest where the wraith had landed his hand, Sheppard struggled to his feet. After drawing in a few shaky breaths the messy-haired pilot pulled his hand through his hair, making it even messier. Waiting for his heartbeat to steady, John glanced his trustworthy wrist-clock. 3.15 am. _Oh that's just great_. Deciding there was going to be no more sleeping this night he changed into a black t-shirt and sweatpants. Not wanting to dwell any longer in the events of his nightmare, the colonel finished tying his shoelaces, bounced up and started to run.

Jogging through the empty corridors of Atlantis John started feeling a little better. Running had always had that kind of calming effect on him. When you were on a jog, it was just you and the road. Picking up his pace he shoved the remnants of his night-time terrors back in to the carefully sealed closet in the back of his mind.

Much to McKay's misery and John's delight, the movie of the evening was _Back to the Future_.

"Oh come on! We've seen this_ at least_ one hundred times! Isn't there any other movie we could have watched? Like _Batman_?"

"Quit whining McKay, the movie is over already." Sheppard drawled. Truth to be told, even he was getting tired of watching the same film over and over again, but annoying one arrogant rambling Dr. Meredith McKay was something one spiky-haired fly-boy Lt. Col. John Sheppard truly enjoyed.

"Next time, I'll get to decide the movie!" Rodney declared before stomping out of the room. John could hear him muttering about wasting his precious time and intellect on inane mumbo jumbo. Hiding his smirk, John got up from the chair he'd been sitting.

"Well, I'm off to bed, see you guys tomorrow." Stifling a yawn John waved his goodbyes to Teyla and Ronon who were exchanging an amused glance due to Rodney's departure.

"I think I will "hit the sack" as well." Hesitating slightly with the Earth-term, Teyla nodded in her agreement while Ronon gave an affirmative grunt.

Reaching his quarters John had trouble to shake off the uneasiness landing on him. Snaps of last nights dream intruded into his mind: wraith leaning over him, stretching his hand, reaching his chest and... _Get a grip of yourself Sheppard!_ Shaking his head in frustration John started getting ready for bed. _Jeez, suck it up_ _already!_ Feeling suddenly drained the pilot rubbed his face and pulled the covers over his body. After barely catching any z's last night, he needed a good solid eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

However tired John was, he couldn't relax. Something kept him on the edge, unabeling the sweet rest sleep provided. After hours of rolling around he finally fell into a shallow dream.


	2. It's just a dream, right?

_A/N: Yay, second chapter! :D I'm really nervous in how this turned out, hopefully it's not utterly dull *crosses fingers*. Anyway, massive thanks for the wonderful reviews, they gave me the courage to continue this story! What do you think of the length? Should I make the chapters even longer? Or perhaps shorter? Tell me your opinion! :)_

_ **BMick**: Yes, that's exactly what I meant! :D I know it's technically not a tag, but I didn't know what else to call it.. *grins sheepishly* _

**_JoeyLuv: _**_I have great plans for Shep, and I quarantee his not going to like them... Poor guy indeed! ^^_

_**sheppardlover928**: Thanks! :D Doppelganger is one of my favourite episodes as well! To tell the truth, I'd rather read than write fanfic (since I know I'm not the best writer), but I haven't been able to find a fic with this kind of idea despite my efforts.. :( So I decided to try and write one myself x)_

_**Guest**: Thank you for the kind words! I hope you find the rest of the fic interesting as well. :)_

_As always, all mistakes are my own (look chapter 1 for disclaimers) and correction is greatly appreciated! And please inform me if the text doesn't seem to make any sense (I wrote a part of this when I was sick). I did reread it but it's hard to catch one's own mistakes.. :/_

_**Warnings**: Descriptions of blood and violence (+occasional swearword)_

* * *

"This is pretty good. What is it?" John lifted his eyebrow as he stuffed another forkful of a peculiar Athosian dish he'd dubbed "meat-stew", containing something resembling a potato. Well, whatever it was, it was _delicious_. Relaxed, John let his gaze wander around he's surroundings. He and Teyla were on the mainland, in one of the New Athos' cozy little leather-tents.

Suddenly John noticed Ronon was smirking smugly in the corner while casually leaning against a wooden closet. _When had Ronon_ _arrived_? Shrugging of his surprise John took another mouthful. The man moved more silently than anyone his size should be able to. "I knew you two were going to eventually hook up." Frowning in slight confusion and a bit irritated (after all, they were just _friends_) John lowered his voice into the enough-of-this-nonsense-tone which he usually saved for McKay's prolonged babbling. "We're not hooking up, it's just dinner!"

"I'm telling you, there's something in here giving off a strange energy reading..." Even more puzzled John turned his head to find Rodney with his eyes glued into the LSD he was holding. Momentarely stunned Sheppard merely stared as the scientist moved away in a semi-circle. Looking back to Teyla, searching for explanation or at the very least confirmation he wasn't hallucinating, John realized Teyla had stood up from her chair and backed to the far end of the tent, as far as she could get from John without actually leaving the tent. And... Was that _fear_ in her eyes?

"John…? What are you doing?" Why was Teyla speaking so warily? The pilot opened his mouth to ask what was wrong only to realize he as well was standing. And holding a knife so tightly that his knuckles were white. _What the hell?_ Lifting his gaze to Teyla's unnerved form John tried to reassure her by dropping the knife from his grasp. Instead of unclenching his fist, his feet involuntarily stepped towards Teyla until Sheppard was straight in front of her, so close he could count her eyelashes (did her eyes look moister than usual?), blocking any possible escape. "John, please drop the knife." Teyla breathed out, the quivering in her voice betraying the panic her eyes did not. Starting to freak out from not being able to control his actions John opened his mouth again to say something in order to comfort Teyla, but nothing came out. The faint moistness had grown and gathered into a large teardrop that slowly ran down Teyla's cheek.

"John, please don't. _Please._" Sheppard was taken aback at how weak and broken Teyla sounded. As he pressed the tip of the knife against Teyla's stomach she flinched and the tears started falling freely. To his horror John saw himself pushing the knife with all the strength he could muster as Teyla gasped in pain. Feeling numb John watched the blood oozing from the wound, staining his hands and splattering on his shirt. Bright red blood. Teyla's blood. Shifting his gaze into her face Sheppard saw those big brown eyes filled with agony, betrayal, sorrow and terror, accusing him for doing this. Then a realization hit him. Teyla was afraid. No, _terrified. But it's Teyla, Teyla never_ _feared_. But now she was afraid of him. Still shocked of what had happened John watched Teyla part her lips in an attempt to speak, only to cough out blood. The pilot continued staring, still feeling detached in an odd way, as Teyla struggled to voice her thoughts. "W... Wh... Why..?" Teyla's whisper was barely audible and enough to snap Sheppard back into his body. Only it continued disobeying, when John realized his grip on the weapon had tightened once again. Slowly, Sheppard started to twist the hilt in order to maximize Teyla's pain. Moaning weakly her legs stopped supporting her and John caught her slackened body. Panicking, he searched her eyes in time to see the sparkle of life leaving from them never to return.

* * *

"Nno, TEYLA!" Trying to grasp Teyla, to convince himself he had merely imagined the vacant, hollow stare, to help her, John bounced up from his bed. _Wait a second. Bed?_ Letting his gaze wander John realized he was standing next to his bed, in the familiar room that had become his home. Definitely not on the mainland eating a strange Athosian dish. And that meant... Relief washed over him as he comprehended that Teyla was a-okay, most likely sleeping in her own quarters. Feeling an urge to burst into a hysterical laugh he buried his face in his ever so slightly shaking hands. _Oh thank god it was just a dream.._ When he got his breathing under control and had suppressed the faint trembling, John ran both of his hands through the sweat-soaked dark hair which had stuck onto his skin. So much for the peaceful, much-needed rest. Seeing that it was already 4:00 am, John convinced himself that it would be futile going back to bed and changed into his running gear. Setting a steady pace for himself, John Sheppard jogged once again through the dark, empty hallways of Atlantis.

Stepping out of the long, relaxing shower that had driven away the lingering remains of last night, John checked the time again. Little over six am. As his stomach started to rumble Sheppard comprehended that he was _starving_. To the mess-hall for early breakfast then! Ronon would be most likely busy beating up the new marines and, John admitted to himself, he wasn't ready to face Teyla. Not yet. He was afraid she would somehow find out that he had murdered her cold-bloodedly in his dream (sometimes she could read him like a book, and it scared John a little. Not that he'd ever admit it.) So that left Rodney. If luck was with him, McKay would already be awake fiddling with some research and in need of a break, though John suspected it would not be hard to convince Rodney to accompany him as long as they weren't serving lemon porrige.

* * *

Arriving in Rodney's lab John couldn't help chuckling at the view in front of him. Dr. Rodney McKay, the brightest man in two galaxies (according to himself), was slumped in his chair, leaning his chin on his hands - he had obviously pulled an all nighter while studying some new shiny Ancient-gadget - the tablet upon which his other hand lay was a dead give-away. That in it self was nothing new under the sun, the funny part being his wide-open-fish-on-dry-land-mouth and the small stream of drool escaping from it, flowing down his chin and dripping on the table. The fact that Rodney was faintly snoring and twitching his fingers only made the whole thing better. Smirking, John made his way on the scientist right side and declared with an exaggerated upbeat voice: "Rise and shine, _Meredith_!"

Startled, Rodney flailed his arms around him, trying to prevent falling from the chair - and utterly failing. "OH JESUS CHRIST!" John's smirk widened as he saw Rodney landing on his gluteus maximus. "Actually, my name is John." Sheppard drawled casually.

"Ha, ha, very funny, no one has _ever_ made _that_ joke before, so original of you..." Rodney muttered bitterly as he gingerly stood up and tried to wipe the drool away discreetly. "Ouch, don't you know that I bruise like a peach?! You could have _killed me_, sneaking upon me like that you know! Or I could have landed on my head and severely damaged my irreplaceable brain! Permanently!"

"You drool in your sleep, did you know that? And snore. Loudly." John watched amused as Rodney squirmed, trying to feign disinterest.

"For the record, I do not snore! Neither do I drool. I might experience some, overproduction of saliva, after a long hard day of working my ass of - thank you very much- but I _certainly do not_ drool! And don't try to get away of nearly _killing me_ by switching the subject!" Tuning out the scientist complains John leaned towards the tablet, getting a better look at the gibber jabber on the screen. "Late night, huh?"

"Well thank you for the newsflash _Captain Obvious_!" McKay snapped, still irritated.

"It's _Colonel _Obvious, remember?"

Ignoring Sheppard's comment, Rodney rambled on. "And FYI, the study I was conducting is possibly of great importance, well not that I'd waste my priceless time to something insignificant, even my minions can handle them... Or no no no no, Zelenka, he's a far better choice - at least with him I don't have to be afraid of the lab blowing apart, though on the other hand..."

"RODNEY!" Catching the slightly baffled scientist attention John continued: "Get to the point."

"Right, right the point. Well, considering that I manage to squeeze some time for this instead of passing it forward to Zelenka, indicates that.."

"_Rodney..__"_

"I'm getting there! Jeez Sheppard! As I was saying, I believe this thing.." Rodney picked up an oval-shaped small, grey rock-like-object with a smooth surface ".. can be worth one's while. I think, with an emphasis on the _think_, that this baby right here could actually be a healing device." With a smug smile plastered on his face Rodney lowered the gadget back onto the table. "Are you _serious_?"John knew the excitement in McKay's eyes matched the one in his own. Thi_s _was big news, no _huge_! Having a portable healing device (it would fit snugly into one of the TAC-vest's pockets..) would be much more worth than it's weight in gold.

"I can't say for sure yet, hence the on-going research, but in my opinion... I think we might have hit the jackpot. Now off you go, and let Unca Rodney carry on." Waving his hand dismissively McKay turned towards his tablet, swiftly forgetting John's presence (or existence for that matter). Clearing his throat the pilot managed to make Rodney jump in his chair.

"_What?!_"

"I was just wondering if you'd like to hit the mess hall for early breakfast.." John inquired with a crooked grin. Rodney could never resist even the mention of a prospective meal. And as expected, the scientist's eyes lit up during the words _mess_ _hall _and_ breakfast_. Moving faster that John had thought him capable of, McKay leaped of his chair and passed him. "What are you waiting for? Come on before Ronon's finished with the marines or he'll hog all of the scrambled eggs!"

Snorting, John countered: "Pot.. Kettle.." McKay rolled his eyes before hurrying towards the mess hall.

* * *

".. and then he called _me_ immature! Can you believe it?! I mean, helloo, genius over here! So anyway.." Letting McKay's ranting go in from one ear and out from the other Colonel John Sheppard pushed the bacon and eggs on his plate with his fork. As they had sat down at the table John had suddenly had a flashback of last nights dream, of Teyla's cold, lifeless eyes staring vacantly ahead, of the blood on his hands, _oh God there was so much blood,_ of Teyla pleading him to stop, of the resistance of Teyla's skin when he pressed the knife on it and how he continued pushing until he could _feel _the skin ripping apart, making way for the knife... Nausea had nearly overwhelmed him, and now he fought not to vomit right then and there. And the pounding in his head was not making it any better. Glaring his food like it was completely it's fault, John pushed a slice of bacon covered in grease to the other edge of the plate. Trying to calm his rebelling stomach Sheppard thought about bright blue, cloudless skies when Rodney pulled him out of his musings by snapping his fingers in front of the pilot's face."Colonel? Time to come back from the Laalaa-land!"

"Mm what?"

"My God you have the attention span of a five-year-old! I've been calling your name for like a minute!"

"Did not"

"Did too!"Frowning at the lack of enthusiasm in Sheppard's retort Rodney took a closer look at his friends. He looked like he hadn't had a decent sleep in a while, with the pallid face and dark smudges under his eyes. Glancing at the skinny-assed pilot's full plate Rodney added loss of appetite into his mental list. "Are you okay Colonel? You look like crap." Nice and straight, that's the way to do it. Rodney watched as Sheppard ruffled his messy hair (how was it so spiky? Did Sheppard use some kind of gel to make it look like that?), clearly uncomfortable. "I'm fine, just had a weird dream that's all.."

Satisfied to the Colonel's response (honestly, could you expect the man to say something other than "fine" or "I'm good"?) Rodney snorted. "Don't come talk to me about _weird_! Oh please, you want to hear bizarre? Let me tell you about..."

John listened Rodney describing in detail of how he got invited in Colonel Carter's quarters for dinner, only to notice her serving lemon chicken and the reason for the invitation being that she was promoting Zelenka over him ("I mean Zelenka, really?!"), in his dream last night. The throbbing of his head was only getting worse as was the nausea churning in his guts. ".. and then I was eaten by a whale. Don't ask how that happened."

"You know what Rodney, I just remembered I need to file some mission reports, catch you later?" Baffled, Rodney watched mouth open as the Colonel abruptly got up from the chair he was sitting and almost bolted out of the room. Getting over the surprise Rodney exchanged Sheppard's barely touched plate with his own nearly licked-clean-plate. Only fools wasted food.

* * *

As soon as John hit his quarters he made his way swiftly to the toilet. Losing the battle he started heaving everything he had left in his stomach (which wasn't much since he had only managed to swallow a mouthful). After he was done John wiped his mouth with a shaking hand. He felt miserable and being coated in sweat did nothing to get his mood up. Drained of his strength, Sheppard slumped on the cool floor and planted his forehead on it, which eased his headache a bit. His eyelids led-like, John couldn't prevent them drooping down. Maybe he'd close them just for a short while.. Within two minutes the military commander of Atlantis was curled sound asleep on the bathroom floor.

* * *

_P.S. I don't know if anyone of you noticed, but I tried to use some of the real lines and scenes from Doppelganger (don't know if I succeeded in recreating them though)._

_P.P.S. For those who did not know, gluteus maximus is the largest and most superficial muscle in your rear, aka basically your butt._


End file.
